...But don't worry, it's not that kind of asylum (although a few people I know would probably say I belong in a straight-jacket).
Now, it's time to meet the residents, both past and present:
Damien (aka Big D, Big Man, Dr. Snuggles)

Smart, mischievous and brave, Damien was the very definition of an alpha male. He pretty much did what he liked, because he knew nothing bad would happen to him if he did. If I tried to tell him off for nibbling the furniture, he would just look at me as if to say "what are you going to do about it?" then carry on.

He was a good daddy boar to Pippin, and then Gingernut, and treated them firmly but fairly. During floor time, he would follow Pippin around the living room to make sure he didn't get into any trouble. I used to put the carry case on the floor so they could use it for wees. When Damien was tired, he would shepard Pippin into the case and then lie down in front of him so he could have a rest and keep an eye on Pippin at the same time.
He loved his fuss, and would often stretch out to his full length so my mother, my sister and I could all stroke him at the same time.
Pippin (aka The Pipster, Little Man)

Damien's first friend, and his wing man in mischief. Together, they would stink up the carpet and nibble the tassels on the sofa, in between nose offs and the odd scuffle.
Pippin was the only pig I knew who willingly gave piggy kisses. If he was in a good mood, I got lots of piggy kisses. If he was feeling shy, I got one piggy kiss. If he was in a bad mood, I got no piggy kisses, and he would turn his head away.
Unfortunately, his short life was marred by illness. I hope that for what little time I had him, he knew he was loved.
Gingernut (aka Nutster, Nutman)

The notes on Gingernut's adoption form said he was "friendly" and "likes other guinea pigs", both of which were an understatement. Quite simply put, Gingernut did not have a single bad bone in his body. He was gentle, sweet and kind, but more than that, he was considerate towards pigs and people alike.
When he was introduced to Damien for the first time, there was no rumblestrutting, or teeth chattering, or fighting. He just ran up to Damien, squeaking with excitement, and started sniffing him. Damien half-hearted rumbled at him until he realised Gingernut wasn't interested in being the boss, he was just happy to see another pig.

When Maisie nipped at him because she had never been with other guinea pigs before, Gingernut didn't retaliate. He just backed off and gave her space.

He was also a big baby, and loved to be cuddled and held. He also liked to watch M*A*S*H.
Maisie (aka Miss Maisie, Maisie Moo)

Quite possibly the world's most beautiful sow (in her opinion, anyway), Maisie used her good looks and own unique brand of charm to wrap anyone who met her round her little paw. Both Gingernut, and then Wilbur, were hers to bend to her whims, and if they disobeyed, they got peed on.

She loved head scratches, and chin scratches, and cheek scratches, all at the same time, and whenever she met anyone new she would look up at them with a big smile on her face as if to say "hello, I'm Maisie. Who are you and what have you got that I can have?"
Wilbur (aka Wilbur Schmilbur, Wilbs)

Sensible and calm, Wilbur is my go-to comfort pig, which is strange because he doesn't seem to love fuss as much as say, Damien or Gingernut did. There's just something about his demeanor that I find relaxing when I hold him.
Wilbur is very much his own pig, and needs his personal space. He can't seem to be without Albert, but yet he can't live in the same cage as him either, so they live side by side, in a divided 4x3 C&C cage.
Most likely to be found lounging in his cage rolling his eyes at whatever silliness Albert is currently up to.
Albert (aka Little Albert, Baby Albert)

All the way from South Wales and weighing it at around 1400g, Albert really isn't little at all, but his adoption photo was taken next to what is quite possibly the world's biggest bowl and made him look tiny in comparison, so the name kind of stuck.
"Doing the Albert" has now become a euphemism for having sex, usually in inappropriate circumstances, since Albert, er, "did the Albert" with a cardboard tube, whilst Wilbur looked on in disdain. Suffice to say, that particular tube ended up in Albert's half of the cage.
Also famous for sitting in a raspberry, and generally being as daft as a brush.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my little introduction.