The Littlest Dictator

RKelly

Post   » Fri Jun 23, 2017 1:36 am


Hello everyone. My name is R. Kelly and I rule with an iron fist. This is the story of my rise to power. Part one. I am close to four years old. Black and white patchwork pattern and the most handsome boy in the world. I lord over two humans, who will be referred to as hm (human male) and hf (human female). I have been an only child my whole life. I lived with a young girl for my first three years who passed me to her friend, a sixteen year old girl. It wasn't too bad in the beginning. My basic needs were sort of met. I had food, a few veggies, and hay. I didn't have much room since I was in a big pet store cage and she didn't take me out for floor time as long or as frequently as I should have been. Then the girl got a boyfriend and I was mostly ignored. The girl's mother is disabled and has a caregiver that comes in every day. She would talk to me, pet me, feed me veggies, and come at a run when I wheeked (she didn't know what wheeking was, thought something was wrong). I scared her the first time I purred since she knew zero about piggies, A couple of months after the boyfriend appeared the teenager started trying to get rid of me. I had become a burden to her and her mom was fussing about how much my wood shavings and food were. They were going to send me to the animal shelter which doesn't deal with pigs. The caregiver told them to wait a bit so she could try to find me a home. Well she couldn't and couldn't stand the thought of me being put down. Even though she had no clue what she was doing she brought me home and became my slave. When my humans brought me in the house they put me down on the floor not knowing how fast I can move. I promptly ran under a dresser and stayed until the hm lifted one side while the hf pignapped me. I'm not sure who was more terrified, me or them. On the second day they set up my fence in the living room and forced me to hang out, all the while they were trying to bribe me with crappy iceburg lettuce and carrots. Ugh they wouldn't stop talking to me and bothering me. Hf found out I could have a variety of veggies and fruit every now and then. Cue the buffet. I think they bought just about every veg on the approved list for me to try. That's when I started to think I could boss then around. In less than a week I had fleece bedding. In less than two weeks I was free range and ruling the house. I think I hear the humans waking up so I must ninja myself to the kitchen and look like I'm starving so they don't know I'm on the computer. Farewell for now.

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Lynx
RESIST

Post   » Fri Jun 23, 2017 7:18 am


You sound VERY fortunate to have happened upon such gullible humans. I trust you will come up with new methods to improve your life. Do watch out for their feet. They can't see all that well at times.

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:33 pm


R.Kelly, you sound like a very lucky piggy! But more importantly you have 2 slaves you love you very much and to spin a pun. You sound like you're the apple of their eyes.

I am sorry your start to life was bad but sounds like you have landed on your paws and you're now on easy street. I look forward to hearing more about your adventure. Would love to see some picture of you. Hope you got some num-nums.

RKelly

Post   » Mon Jun 26, 2017 9:14 pm


Of course I got my noms. If I don't get my way I pee on them. That's how I got my name.
Back to the story of how I took over my kingdom. I discovered very quickly that if I stand next to my slaves' bed and wheek really loud they wake up in a panic hehe. Then I act like THEY scared me. Fresh hay or veggies soon follow. Any other piggies reading this should give it a try. Less sleep for them means they're too tired to resist your will. I dream of the day when we rise up and take control of the world, that's what I'm dreaming about when I'm purring and bubbling in my sleep. My slaves think I'm dreaming of fields of lettuce. Sorry got distracted thinking about lettuce. Once I became free range they wanted me to be in the living room with them (my bedroom is their bedroom). I'm not a big fan of slippery hardwood floors so they folded up a big fleece blanket for me and put a basket of hay on it. I have a routine, get my veggies on my blanket in the kitchen, rest a minute then run to my living room hay. Back and forth for hours. With naps in between of course. Being handsome is exhausting. Training them on what veggies I want has been the hardest thing. How can they not realize that just because I've eaten it for the past month does not mean I want today or next week for that matter. Been giving a lot of stink eyes lately. I used to love green peppers and cilantro, I would fight them for it. Not now. Hf tried to give me a piece of cilantro when she was making dinner. How dare she. So I gave her stink eye and showed my butt literally. Hay training was easier. I came with some Kaytee hay which I ate cause I didn't know any better. Now I eat KMS and refuse anything else. I like to play in the big boxes of it. My KMS pellets should be here tomorrow. I hope they're as delicious as I've read. My hf has been making noises about maybe I need to go on a diet. I am not fat. 1550g isn't fat. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Until my belly drags she needs to worry about herself. I'm not worried the hm will sneak me yum yums. He is more susceptible to my sad piggy face. When I figure out how to post picture I will show everyone how handsome and not fat I am. I read about how to post but am still confused. Sweet lettuce dreams and good night to everyone.

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:48 am


I hope my girls don't read about your exploits! I LOVE them but always like to think I'm in charge-just a little. When my girls give the stink eye I think they're cute so I would be careful if I were you!

Guinea pigs are too lovable and cute to be world dominator's so think you're fighting a losing battle there. As for peeing on them my piggies do it all the time hence is why I wrap them in a towel or I just change my clothes.

Look forward to hearing more of how you became king of your domain. If they say you're fat just say your big boned though 1550grams does sound big to me. Maybe no more snacks in bed would be in order?

Your slaves want you in with them because they love you, hope you let them sleep in Sunday!Wouldn't hurt just once a week now would it? See ya handsome, can't wait to hear more!

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Lynx
RESIST

Post   » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:07 am


Not sure a guinea pig can make rational decisions concerning the proper number of snacks!

RKelly

Post   » Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:57 pm


I'm working on getting my slaves to gently fan me while I have an infinite supply of snacks. No luck so far. Still can't believe they make me leave my bed to get my veggies. They are so mean to me. Which is why I sometimes have to slowly, bit by bit, move my lap blanket to get pee on them. They seem to find it funny and according to them my poops are adorable. Unless one doesn't look exactly perfect, then they inspect all of them. I wish they would stop stealing it. My stink eye doesn't stop their poop thievery. Just like my shrieks don't stop the dreaded nail clippers. One day I will destroy them. I have a new trick to terrorize them on nail day. I scream at them when they clip a random nail. No reason, just because I can. The panic on their faces is priceless. I just heard something about my new KMS pellets arriving. I must go and investigate.

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:25 am


Me thinks young piggy you need a time out. When it gets hot you get iced bottled water wrapped in a towel. Did you come from Egypt? Being fanned. I will admit you bought a smile to my dial. As for looking at poop it is something we guinea pig slaves do and if you're sick you could be fed poop soup! Think on that one-poops from another piggy of course!

RKelly

Post   » Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:30 pm


Are time outs what naughty piggies get? I am never ever naughty. They always tell me I'm a good boy. And how smart and handsome I am. These are things we already know. I guess I can cut them some slack on not fanning me since they have thermometers where I hang out the most. It stays at 70 and I have my own little fan near my cage if I get warm. Hf says if the air goes out we stay elsewhere cause she's terrified of piggy heat stroke (I think it's her not wanting to be hot, since she fusses with hm if he turns it to 72). I have a long piece of tile with a cover in the freezer for an emergency. Almost forgot I have frozen blueberries too. I will not eat fresh blueberries. They have to be frozen, thawed under water, skins taken off and given first. After the skin I eat the rest of it. I love veggie skins. Anyone have some cucumber skins? Love the skins.Not so much the rest of it. Slaves just shake their heads at me and say I'm spoiled. Wheek, wheek. Got my KMS pellets and boy are they the best pellets I have ever had. Hf gave me one while I was still in my cage, before I swallowed it I hopped out for more. They are so delicious I stretched up on my piggy toes to get in the bag. I never do that. I am lazy. I give them 10 out of 10. It's almost the 4th of July. I don't like those loud things humans play with. I'm glad my slaves will be with me. Do fireworks scare any other piggies out there? How to your slaves make you feel safe?

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:35 am


Hello R.Kelly my little piggy friend. Have you read the book series Teddy and Pip? You are sounding so much like them wanting to take over the world. I remember the movies planet of the apes, fights between the people and the apes, what a mess and lost of life! There was way too much violence in that series. Do you still wish to rule the world? How about you just rule your domain? Have your slaves jumping everytime you wheek? Love your story can't wait for more!

greysome

Post   » Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:07 pm


*snickers* I loved reading your stories, R. Kelly but am most amused by how you got your name. Perhaps I should consider changing one of my girl's name here for that very reason...

RKelly

Post   » Tue Aug 15, 2017 9:21 pm


I have mastered the fine art of getting my slaves to jump at my every command. My grandma and at least one of my aunts are coming to visit soon. We will see if I can, ahem, persuade them to be my slaves as well. If so I will have doubled my food bringers. I believe I may have made a partial slave out of HF's friend. She brings me cucumbers and extra skins from her garden. She tried to give me a green bean from her garden, but I do not care where it comes from. I will not eat it nor shall broccoli bits touch my discerning piggy lips. My slaves tell me I'm getting stuck up but what do they know. It's fun to make them worry if I'm eating enough variety. I have discovered whole wheat spaghetti noodles are delicious, but alas they caught me. Piggy "condos" made from boxes are wonderful. Mine has a door, windows, super comfy fleece, and lots of hay. The top is open except one flap where I get my beauty sleep. Not that I need it because I'm already incredibly handsome. I also discovered how to use my feet to get into the lettuce box. Silly HF was sitting on the floor feeding me a piece at a time until she turned around to talk to HM. I sprung into action and used my feet to tip the box on its side so I could get the good pieces. Of course I got caught. I must work on my ninja skills since I'm getting caught all the time. The slaves are saying something about bed time so I must go snuggle up in my pigloo.

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Wed Aug 16, 2017 5:27 am


You sound like one cheeky piggy. Do you have a piggy friend? I enjoy reading your stories, won't let the girls near it but my husband and I enjoy reading it. Can't wait till there's more!

RKelly

Post   » Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:44 am


Slaves keep talking about moving somewhere else so I can have a friend. Where we live now has a one pet policy. I'm not sure how I will feel about a friend since I've been a single pig my whole life. Luckily my slaves found a rescue close by that does meet and greets first. I like that idea much better than shall we say buying a pig in a poke. The humans have been wondering if the rescue would be okay with us using KMS pellets and hay since rescue uses SPS hay and oxbow. HF says it shouldn't be an issue since they are all similar in quality. I'd tried to check out flickr so I could post a pic of how handsome I am but just got confused. Can anyone give me tips or sites so I can post? Also my slaves and I want to wish Calvin a fantastic second life across the Rainbow Bridge and lots of love to SkinnyPigs.

RKelly

Post   » Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:12 pm


Well my hopes of gaining more slaves have crashed and burned. My grandma and youngest aunt have came and went. Grandma is scared of me. I don't know why. I was perfectly behaved the entire time. When my HF was little they had hamsters and even a couple of rats. Maybe the difference is they were in cages and balls not running loose like I do. My aunt was a little better. She thinks I'm cute and fed me some veggies, not enough but a whole garden wouldn't be. She is twelve so she was more interested in internet stuff than me. Think she may have been a little jealous since my slaves jump when I wheek. They are well trained. The eclipse was a little strange. It's not suppose to get dark in the middle of the day. I thought it was bed time so I went to my pigloo only to get back out confused that it was day time again (pigloo is mostly for night time, condo or open floor is for naps). People outside were yelling things about the mother ship and the rapture. Humans are silly, do they not know the mother ship is filled with piggies not aliens?

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Lynx
RESIST

Post   » Fri Aug 25, 2017 9:32 pm


How fortunate to have seen the eclipse (or been there, at least). I imagine you may have noticed the special glasses the humans wear so they don't damage their eyes. Most people are smart enough to remember to use them but our president forgot...

RKelly

Post   » Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:54 pm


My humans were smart enough to wear the glasses. Hf was mad because she didn't get a good picture. She has an old Polaroid picture from the 70s that someone in her family took and thought it'd be a neat idea to take pictures of every eclipse to pass down. I have learned to throw tantrums. They say a two year old human has nothing on me. I was in the kitchen very patiently waiting on my yums. Hm put a couple of parsley sprigs on my plate as an appetizer while he got the rest of my veggies out. Well I was NOT having any of that. I started screaming at him. Hf freaked out thinking I was being murdered. Since they didn't move quickly enough I angrily threw those offending sprigs off my plate and chattered my teeth at them. As soon as I got my lettuce I stopped showing my butt and innocently ate it. Sigh, when will my humans get with the program.

bpatters
And got the T-shirt

Post   » Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:02 pm


I'm certainly enjoying this thread!

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daisymay
Supporter 2016-2017

Post   » Wed Sep 27, 2017 3:00 am


You are one naughty boy me thinks. You are welcome to come to Australia my girls will show you some manners. They give a squeak or two give the big piggy eyes look and then quietly wait for their food. But you do sound a cutie and I am loving your story so I will forgive you this time little munchkin!

RKelly

Post   » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:00 pm


Daisymay I appreciate the invite but I'm pretty sure everything in Australia spends its' time plotting to kill people. I read you guys even have kangaroos in trees. You gotta be pretty brave to live there. I hope all the piggies and their slaves had a very yummy turkey day. According to my slaves I acted just like a human. They made me a big plate of lots of different veggies which I of course finished so I didn't insult the cook. Then it was nap time. After my nap it was time for round two. After almost a year here I'm finally getting comfy enough to lap nap with my eyes closed. For a few minutes at least. I still don't like the picking up part but my slaves say I probably never will. I have been a very good boy lately since I've heard Santa is coming soon. I only get mouthy when they are slow getting my veggies, or hay, or pellets lol. I need some suggestions on what to ask Santa to bring me. I got a chewable fake tree hidey thing for Thanksgiving. It's okay but it's sure not my pigloo or as tasty as cardboard which I'm not suppose to eat for some reason. It's almost my bed time so I must go munch some hay before bed. Goodnight everybody.

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