No piggies were harmed in the making of this chronicle. However, some slaves may have received superficial injuries. :)
Once upon a time, there was a little girl. The little girl had a nice house and a happy family. Even though the family did not have pets, the little girl loved animals.
On the first day of fourth grade, the little girl entered her new classroom and came upon a strange new creature. It was a guinea pig with short, black hair, a stripe of brown around its neck, and a splash of white on its nose. The guinea pig's name was Coffee. The little girl immediately fell in love with her, and always took care of Coffee. She would even bring Coffee home with her on long weekends.
The little girl's parents saw how much she loved Coffee, and decided to get the girl and her brother a surprise for Christmas. On Christmas Day, they opened a large present. It was a cage for a piggy of their own!
The kids were so happy and excited! On the 27th, they went to the pet store to buy a piggy. They picked the big baby sitting quietly in a nest of cedar chips. He sat in the corner of the cage as his brothers and sisters did zoomies around him. They named him Chestnut.
The family took Chestnut home. Even though they gave him all the good things a baby pig needed, Chestnut refused to move. The family was very worried, and called the pet store. The owners told them to wait a few hours. So the family waited a few hours, but Chestnut still would not move.
By now, the family was very anxious, and they began to scream at each other. The little girl's mother started the vacuum. Somehow, amidst all the commotion, Chestnut began to move around and eat his food. The family was confused, but happy that their pig was feeling better.
Chestnut grew up to be a very large, very laid-back piggy. He loved to eat and explored the house. To the family's surprise, he was a lap pig AND a belly pig!
Nothing scared Chestnut. He would relax wherever he was placed, whether it be on the rug, on the front lawn, or among the children's toys. He became a celebrity at school for laying on his belly in the teacher's lap!
Chestnut and his family had many adventures. He would play crazy games with the children, go for walks around the neighborhood, and drive their parents crazy by chewing the woodwork. He was even in movies the children made. Once he operated the camera. (True story). Chestnut and the little girl even made local news when he won the Best Pet Contest in the school. The family loved him very much.
Chestnut knew he had to take care of the children, and never complained when they played with him. Chestnut was wise, and when he knew his children would grow up to be happy adults, he slipped away to the Bridge on a warm spring day.
Right before Chestnut passed, the family decided to bring another piggy into their home. Now a young teenager, the girl went to pick out a pig from the newest litter at the pet store. She had her choice between two spirited babies. She chose the one the employees could catch and named him Dusty.
Dusty was a ball of fire from the start. Unlike Chestnut, Dusty was skittish and he liked to run. A lot. On his first night home, he jumped out of his box and hid under the recliner. On another occasion, Dusty got loose outside, outran the neighbor's dog, crossed the street, and hid under a large shrub. It took ten neighbors to remove him.
A year and a half passe before Dusty needed a vet visit. At the vet's, the family learned that Dusty was actually a GIRL!!
Although she wasn't a lap pig, Dusty kept things interesting for the family. Besides her numerous attempts to escape, she was feisty, and would throw fits if she didn't get food when she wanted it. She loved her hay balls, and got stuck in them often. The girl took care of her, letting her play with other female piggies, and even throwing a birthday party for her.
Dusty fought hard when she started to have problems with her teeth. Despite surgery, she did not recover. The family was heartbroken as they watched her suffer. She never stopped fighting, but the family chose to finally let her rest.
The family decided that they would no longer own any pigs because of the cost and the heartache.
Years passed, and the children grew up, and life went on......
until a thwarted love affair and a trip to the mall brought piggies back into their lives.
I'm 24 years old, and I'm a cavy slave.
Chapter 1: How Much is that Piggy in the Window?
"So, Mom, what would you do if I brought home a guinea pig?"
There was silence at the other end of the phone.
"I had nothing to do with it!" yelled Uncle Tom helplessly. The little orange piggy in the large tank looked up at me and almost flipped over. He was a curious one. The young pet store employees watched me warily from the checkout counter. On the other line, there was still no answer......
An hour earlier, I had convinced Uncle Tom to take me to the mall. A potential romantic relationship had gone sour the previous evening, so I needed cheering up. It was time to go to the petstore! I had always loved animals since I was a child, and had planned on buying a rabbit when I moved out of my house. He was going to be a lop-eared bunny named Charlie, and I was going to free-range him in my apartment, where we would have wacky misadventures and live happily ever after.
This changed when I crossed the threshold of the "Gentle Jungle." There were two pigs left. One was a small white teddy, and the other looked like this. (Who could say no to that face?!)
He sat in the food dish, happily eating and blocking the teddy from access. Obviously the alpha, he was happy to use the teddy as a stepping stool to get out of the bowl. He stretched his neck and looked up at me.
The first mistake was leaving the cage unlocked.
The second mistake was leaving me unattended with the pigs.
I easily scooped him out. He didn't resist, and sat there, fluffed, on my chest. I entered the store with no intention of purchasing a pig, but something about this one reminded me of happier childhood days spent with a beloved 4 pound fluffball.
It was decided. An hour later, Uncle Tom and I exited the petstore with a large cardboard box. I had blockaded the pig tank for the past hour, throwing territorial glances at anyone who approached. Finally, my parents had relented. I was taking the piggy home.
The piggy fluffed and refused to move in his box.
Because Uncle Tom was hungry, and gets grumpy unless he is visited by the "Snack Fairy," we took a detour to the food court. On the way there, two women stopped us with questions about our cargo. I opened the box, and to my surprise, the piggy was posing, nose in the air. Uncle Tom was not amused.
In the food court, my little piggy with a big piggy bladder let loose. He managed to pee THROUGH the cardboard box onto a chair. Uncle Tom was not amused. We headed for the parking lot.
"Your mom's going to kill you," Uncle Tom wisely noted.
Mercifully, I arrived home around dinnertime. It provided a distraction for my parents, and allowed me to have one last meal in case my mom developed homicidal tendencies.
At first, nobody seemed impressed with my piggy. My parents tried to avoid him, and he received a lukewarm reception from my younger brother. By now, the piggy realized he wasn’t going back to the pet store, so he huddled in the corner, afraid to move.
I still hadn’t settled on a name for him. I was debating between three:
Pumpkin, because he was quite round and orange;
Rex, because of his dominant behavior;
Or Spike, due to his strange spiky butt-hair.
I finally settled on Spike. It seemed fitting for his dominant personality. Already, he had proven his fussiness by refusing to drink from his spring-loaded water bottle. Like a good slave, I hurried to the store and bought him an expensive glass one. My mom, aka Big Momma, accompanied me as I searched for a bigger cage. For the past two nights, Spike had awakened her by doing zoomies at the stroke of midnight. He refused to move or squeak during the day, but acted like he was possessed at midnight.
I bought the biggest pig cage in the store. As I approached the checkout counter, my mom offered to pay for half. Surprised, I agreed. Perhaps there was hope for Spike and Big Momma after all.
Hormones surge and tempers flare, which can only mean one thing—Someone’s gonna get stanked!
Warning: This chapter is rated PG 13 for boarliness. Continue on at your own risk. : )
It all began one sunny summer morning. Spike had been living with my family for a few weeks, and had begun to calm down. It was quiet, warm, and all was well in the world. I decided to relax on the couch across from his cage and watch him for a while.
No sooner had I sat down than Spike began to behave strangely. Alarmed, I watched with increasing worry: Was he sick? Is that what they do when they’re impacted? After a few moments, he stopped and resumed his normal behavior, leaving me puzzled.
Then it hit me.
Adolescence had begun.
In the following weeks Spike became braver, and his boarliness emerged. He always had to get his way. He would squeak for food, only to reject it if it wasn’t the type of vegetable he wanted! If something was in his way, he would headbutt it, whether it was a person, another pig, or a piece of furniture. He also loved to climb and perch on our shoulders, as if to be on “our level.”
Not only was I repeatedly heatbutted and nibbled on, but one time Spike climbed into my robe, headbutted me until I took it off, and promptly fell asleep inside the sleeve! Another time, I found him repeatedly headbutting the stand for his cage!
Spike didn’t have other piggies around to express his newfound boarliness to, so he turned to the next best thing: his slaves!! What ensued was a dominance struggle between Spike and my male friends. Being the sort of characters they are, my male friends took it upon themselves to compete with him, none moreso than Uncle Tom.
My friends were headbutted, bitten, snorted at, and chased until they learned their place.
All of the boarly competition culminated in the boarstanking of my friend’s neck. The poor soul shall remain anonymous due to the traumatic nature of the stank. Now, he belongs to Spike.
As much as he competed with the guys, Spike was a fan of the ladies! He would act inquisitive and cuddly in their presence. They were instantly charmed.
Despite his boarly behavior, deep down, Spike was a momma’s boy. (Don’t tell him I told you!) If something went wrong, or he was afraid during floor time, my tough guy would sit on the floor and wheek until Momma came and sat with him.
Then, he would hop into my lap and bite my clothes to remind me who’s boss. Like a good slave, I didn’t mind.
The Momma plays nurse! And when it comes to bedding, terrycloth towels are a no-no!